Short Men

Last night I was at a girl friend's house.  She and I were putting her four-year old daughter to bed.  We were all laying the bed having a slumber party.  The little girl was rubbing my back.  Awe so sweet!  As children do, she didn't want to go to sleep.  She got up and began to walk on my back.

I said to my girl friend, "This is one of the reason's why I miss WF."

She busted me out with, "Why because he was small enough to walk on your back?"

For all of those that met him, it should be as hilarious to you as it is to me. He is 5'8 and he weighed 135 pounds on a 'heavy' day. I meant that I occasionally missed him because we had human interaction and touching.

In fact, I laughed so hard the four year old girl fell off of my back.

I have been laughing spontaneously throughout the day.  Napoléon is rolling in his grave on behalf of all short men.

Confessions of a Bad Kiss

A kiss is a fantastic event.  Betty Everett has been telling girls for decades that "if he loves you so it is in his kiss." I know I have had at least one kiss from a person, and it just so happens that I have been anticipating, wanting and fantasizing about his kiss.  The potential of this one kiss holds so much.  However, sometimes a kiss is sprung on you without notification or reciprocal feelings.  Those should be kept to the confines of bad kiss confessions. 

I hold kissing to a high standard.  All kisses are judged from this one moment that is taken straight out of my journal.

The scent of strawberry lip gloss, beer, and wool fills my nostrils when he leans in.  He holds his slight distance and I closed my eyes.  His hands, which are holding my face and neck, are guiding our faces towards each other and then finally our lips graze. His hot breath intermingles with mine on our faces. My face flushes with excitement.  My knees get weak and I lean in further for support, his body against mine.  At this point I always try to suppress giggles from nervousness and giddiness and I can't believe that HE is actually kissing me. When we pull back I just stand there stunned, with my eyes still closed.  I open my eyes in a euphoric daze, and I just want to do a happy dance, but I refrain because at this point I just want to play it cool. That's a no go on playing it cool. I am an open book and wear my emotions on my sleeve. I can't wait for the next kiss!

That is the best kiss I've ever experienced.  

I didn't have so much luck this year on New Year’s. It is midnight at a fraternity house. Yes, I'm a little too old to be there, but the house is full of non-traditional students and alumni.  You've got to remember the movie Old School just came out this year.

I make a motion to simply hug one of my guy friends.  As I go in for the hug he quickly does the switch and bait and turns his face into mine.  I was drinking; my reactions are slowed!  I got an open mouth kiss all the way from my ear to my mouth.  His lips landed squarely surrounding my entire mouth.  I have big luscious lips, so that is quite a feat!  The entire right side of my face is sopping wet. At least I got a kiss at midnight.

I went outside and interrupted a conversation between my guy friend and another guy. I was telling them about what had just happened. I said, "Big Billy just unexpectedly kissed me. I think I'm going to have bad luck!"

The guy friend leaned in and kissed me too.  I admit it, I kissed him back.  We have a completely platonic relationship.  I never imagined kissing him, ever.

We pull away from the kiss and quizzically look at each other.  At the exact same moment we both say, "That was a really bad kiss."

I'm not laying all of the blame on him, but with all of the girls he dates I thought he would be a better kisser.

He said, "Let's try it again." 

He leaned in slowly.  Our lips touch.  We are kissing.  It is still bad.  The guy that was having the conversation with my guy friend when I interrupted said he didn't want me to have bad luck all year, so he kissed me too. And it was good. 

I remember one of my best girlfriends telling me a story after a wild night in high school.  She was at secret high school party in a city park.  The city park was more like woods in a forest, a scene from the movie Dazed and Confused. She confided in me a real, juicy secret.  At the party she had kissed two guys that night!  My high school self was appalled.  I imagined my friend turning into a raging slut from two kisses. I was naive.  I informed her that I would NEVER kiss two guys in one night.  My-oh-my, how things change.  I guess I didn't technically lie.  She is just before her time. 

99 Problems

Number of surprise blind dates this week: 1

Surprise blind dates are always so special, like bus special. I went over to my girl friend's house at 11pm, after work, to do the artsy stuff for her Christmas presents. Her husband was at his work Christmas party at the Fox and the Hound. We were to meet him when we got done with our project. The two of us arrived to Fox and the Hound around 1am. Her husband had been drinking there since 8pm. The only two people left from the Christmas party were her husband and the moron he set me up with. He tries to do this all the time.

So I was nice to the surprise blind date guy, it is not his fault. I tried to have a conversation, but all he wanted to talk about was the Purple Church i.e.Platinum Plus, and how he is friends with all of the strippers.Oh! He talked about Louisiana where he is from. It's somewhere from between New Orleans and Baton Rouge. I literally fell asleep. However he offered me a ride down there for tomorrow morning, if I want it.

Anyway, he is sitting there bragging about how he never gets sick when he drinks and tonight he had drank at least 12 or more beers. No joke five minutes later he leans to his left, opens up his mouth, and vomits all over the carpet in the bar. He produces a technicolor yawn right there at the table!

So, I think it's going to work out.....

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

On a cold February day in 2001, I am driving to the Navy Base in Millington on Paul Barrett Parkway.  I think I look hot as can be in a skirt too short and a top so low cut I really should not have been
wearing this outfit to school, let alone work.  It was more of a going to the club ensemble.

  

At 70mph I am driving past Arlington, a small town suburb of Memphis.  I pass a truck being driven by a man.  I look at him as I pass and I honestly think he could see up my skirt, not that there was much fabric.  He passes me and slows down right in front of me.  I really didn't have time to play leap frog so I pass him again and try to speed off.  He again pulls up next to me.  This time he is keeping up with me, as I have slowed back down to 70.  I look to my left and he is signaling me to roll my window down.  I just smile at him and shake my head no.  

He slows down a bit and then all of a sudden he is back.  This time he is waving frantically. "Pull over,"
he is mouthing to me.

  

Again I shake my head no.  He slows down again, and immediately pulls back up.  This time he is honking at me and I refuse to look at him.  He keeps on honking.  He is really just laying on the horn.

  

Finally I turn to look at him.  This man is doing that nasty tongue thing you know where you stick it out and shake it all around and then he gives me the international sign for cunnilingus.

Where do these people come from?  

He is still honking.  I have no fear so again I turn my head to the right to look at the man.  This time, much to my surprise, dude is standing up - yes while driving!!  I am more than shocked to see in his hand…Yes! Yes it is what I think it is.  He is standing up and masturbating at me.

I grab my cell phone and while he is doing this I call the cops.  I was so scared.   I didn't know what
else to do.  

He tried to speed off, but I kept up with him and got his license plate number.  While on the phone with the police I got transferred to five different dispatchers.  Each dispatcher required me to tell the story again.  Each dispatcher would laugh harder than the one before.

The man exited the parkway and I was not about to be late to work to
chase the speeding maniac.  I then called my Mom, I was crying.  She
asked me, "Can you pick his pecker out in a line up?"  

We hung up and daddy called me a few minutes later.  All he had to say, "Well you have that expensive camera in your car with you, did you take a picture of it?  Why not?"

A few days later I got a call from a detective, they were actually "investigating the incident."  They went to the dude’s house and everything.  The detective asked me if I wanted to press charges. I told her “No, just to make sure that this was put down on his permanent record.”

 She said, “We have done so already.”  

He got what he deserved, although I do wonder what in the world he was thinking when the police cruiser pulled up in front of his house.

That outfit caused me nothing but trouble.  I had quite an experience the next time I wore it, I was mistaken as an employee at a casino.  That would be the last time, it has since been retired.  I actually recently pulled the shirt out from the bottom of one of my drawers.  That is what sparked my memory. Today the sweater is at Goodwill ready to wreak havoc in some unsuspecting purchaser’s life.


Now that I look back at the situation it reminds me of that scene in Bridget Jones' Diary when Daniel Cleaver sends emails back and forth about her nonexistent "You appear to have forgotten your skirt.  As I think is made perfectly clear in your contract of employment, staff are expected to be fully dressed at all times" skirt.  The only difference is the sexual advances made towards me were unwanted and Daniel Cleaver didn't whip it out and start a sexual revolution in the office, or on the expressway.

 Is it really only me, as Mom says, or do things like this happen to you?