Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from these Little Effers to you and your Little Effers! 

Bohemian Rhapsody

The car is full. All five of us are on our way to EngineerBrother's for Thanksgiving dinner. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen comes on the radio. I turn it up.

J2 and I are singing to our hearts content.

Just before the Wayne's World head banging part I get so excited because there are enough people in the car that we can reenact the scene.

I tell everyone, "Get ready to head bang." \m/ 

There I am, driving the Averill-mobile, head banging to Bohemian Rhapsody, all by myself.

From now on I'm calling all of them The Little Effers.

Doorman to Hell

Tip for the future: If you are inside the door of Chuck E Cheese and want to cross the threshold do not joke with the bouncer/doorman. 

J2 and I are inside the door and waiting at the doorman podium. I am holding an armful of birthday presents and a birthday card. J2 held the doors. 

On the other side of the rope snot-nosed children are squealing, screaming, throwing tantrums and spreading germs. If the mother's are not twerking while dressed to attract their next baby daddy then they are worn with exhaustion, squealing, screaming, slinging threats, or throwing their own tantrums. At the cash register is a line 10 men deep. They all have looks of frustration painted dually with relief flickering across their faces. The frustration derives from the length of the line to order food for their ravenous families and the relief is from not being on the gaming floor with those same families. 

The doorman stands behind the hooked rope, "Are you here for a birthday party?"

With a twinkle in his eye J2 quips, "No. We come here for date night."

Deadpan stare, "Are you going to be leaving with a child you did not bring with you tonight?"

"Not tonight, we don't plan on it," J2 laughs. 

The doorman/bouncer is not amused. J2's comment implies that not tonight, but in the future he plans on leaving with a child. 

I laugh a little too hard at J2's comment. 

Our entrance into this very non-exclusive Chuck E Cheese is dangling like a carrot in front of our eyes. Our invitation is dangerously close to being revoked. 

I quickly wipe the smile off of my face, "We are here for Linus Conway's birthday and we don't have* any children."

She clicks the rope open and we gain entrance into Chuck E Cheese, which is a doorway into the nine gates of hell. 

*Although J2 does have three children, The Little Rottens; he and I have not mingled our DNA to make joint children. There are no future plans for commingled DNA. 

Friends, Can You Have Them?

I stop at Kmart after class. I know that's creepy but they always have super cute tights. And because I am practically the only one in the store I like to pretend I am famous and they have shut the store down for me to shop in privacy. 

I put my tights and leggings on the conveyor belt not really paying attention to the employee making his purchases in front of me. He walks back past me, taking his purchases back into the store. I check out, walk all the way back to the exit. I buzzed on the way in so before I even crossed the threshold to leave I warn the same old lady greeter, "I'm gonna set off the alarms."

"Come on through."

Something in my bag sends the alarms buzzing again. 

"I'm going to need to examine your receipt."

I pull my giant wallet, full only of Christmas shopping receipts, out of my purse. She takes a look at the folded paper. She makes her secret "it's okay she actually purchased the stuff in her bag" Kmart mark. 

I'm wrestling to jamb this wallet back into my shifting bag while my camera bag in digging into my skin around my neck, and holding the weak, plastic Kmart bag is wiggling back and forth. 

I turn in to the breezeway to go. There looking at the claw game is the employee who made his purchase before I did. He looks in my direction like he has been waiting for me. 

"Excuse me?"

I smile at him.

"I just have to tell you how beautiful you are."

"Thank you."

"I bet you hear that all of the time. Do you hear it often?"

I blush because I do hear it often. However, I don't want to sound conceited, "I don't hear it as often as I'd like to," and that is the truth. 

By this point he and I have switched places. I am trying to get out to my car and he is standing just inside the automated sliding doors, "Do you have friends?"

"Yes, but all of my friend are taken."

He raises his voice, "No. I said, 'Can you have a friend?'"

With a deer in headlights look on my face I shrug my shoulders. Then I start laughing, this young boy thinks he is Biz Markie! I momentarily stop laughing. I wonder if he even knows who is Biz Markie? Ah, hell! Biz Markie is funny to me! 

A New Job Title

A few short weeks after I started the promotion of my new job I had to fill out a questionnaire and analysis for Information Technology Services. They wanted to determine what I do and if I should be grouped in ITS.  Today I finally get a email stating that I am functional staff, not technical. That's exactly what we were hoping for and expecting. 

In the email I am told my current title of Data Management Specialist is generic. My title has been recommended to Big Boss and Human Resources for review to potentially be revised "to better reflect the specific nature of the services you provide." 

I forwarded the email to my supervisor. She said I should brainstorm for my new title. 

Since I'm a pretty badass bitch, I come back immediately to tell her, "I'd like to be called Lord Commander."

She retorts, "I hate to tell you this but you'll probably be called A Humble Servant."

"What if we add in really small letters, like practically unseen by the human eye at the end of Lord Commander and in parentheses "(of Transcript reviews)" but really small and not there. It's just a technicality."

"Maybe since you always say you clean up a lot of 'Eww' we just call you, 'Cleaner of Eww.'"

She's not budging and I only have 2 months before she retires to get this approved. I better start lord commanding the shit out of this situation. 

A Day In My Life

It is rare that I spend a weekend at my house. When I do, my parents bombard me with third-degree questions, "Have you a J2 broken up? Why are you here? Do you live here?"

For no particular reason I am here this weekend. Today, I pulled out all of the birthday and Christmas presents that I've purchased so far to take an inventory. I organized them, not by color, but by who they go to and the occasion. I do not know for how much longer I can get away with buying my baby nephews - okay not really babies, they will both be three within the next month so they are the babies of the family - the same birthday and Christmas gifts, but I am going to ride this train for as long as I can. As I am putting everything away I lay down on my bedroom floor. I crawl halfway underneath my bed for the best Christmas present hiding spot. Exactly as I did when a child cleaning my bedroom, I fall asleep. 

"Averill? Averill?" The Silver Fox's voice is shrill, "Where is she? Did she leave?"

"Averill?" Her voice gets louder and closer as she comes around my bed to see me face down on the floor. "Oh my God, Paul!" She calls Real Life Superman. "What's wrong? Are you okay Averill? Are you crying?" 

Groggily, I scoot out from underneath my bed, "No, I was taking a nap."

"Oh, okay. Do you want a pot pie?"

I Was Given 13

On Facebook people are sharing random facts about themselves. if you like their status, they give you a number. You take that number and have to post that many random facts about yourself. I was contemplating not participating, but there is so much you do not know about me. i know you want more!  

I was given 13. 

1. I've had a job since I was 8 years old. My first job was working as a papergirl for the Lawrence Journal World in Lawrence, KS. My route had 125 houses. When I began delivering/throwing papers, I was the youngest girl in the history of the LJW to be a papergirl. Months later my brother wanted to follow in my footsteps. At 6 years old EngineerBrother took 20 of my customers; the homes closest to our home so Mom could watch him. He became the youngest boy in LJW history to be a paperboy. 

I was eventually nominated and recognized for fantastic customer service as a paper carrier of the month. I still have the 'fancy' LJW jacket with my name embroidered on the breast. 

I've been chasing the dragon ever since. 

2. When my Mom was pregnant with MarineBrother, she told me during her entire pregnancy that she was having a little sister for me. At that time ultrasounds were expensive and inaccurate. Mom knew he was a girl because she carried him exactly like she carried me. When Dad called from the hospital to tell us the baby was born, mom is okay, and the baby is a boy, I cried. On the bright side Mom said I could dress him in my baby doll clothes anyway. So I did. He wore dresses.

 

3. My shoe collection rivals Imelda Marcos. Okay, not really, but I aspire.

4. As a child my dream jobs were in order: motherhood, become a photographer, and fashion designer.

5. My favorite OCD activity as a child was to dump out my Crayola 64 pack of crayons and put them in rainbow order by color and shade.

 

6. My closets are organized by type of garment. Within the type of the clothing is arranged in rainbow order by color and shade. 

7. My CDs are organized in alphabetical order by the artists first name. If I have multiple CDs by the same artist they are placed in chronological order by the release date. 

8. I used to have a list of criteria a man must meet before I would date him. Although I don't know where The List is; if you have it, none of you have permission to publish it. I remember the number one rule was "Must say my name correctly the first time and every time." 

I told J2 the first time I met him that I was only going to tell him my name once and he better get it right. He did.  It matters to me. 

9. If I were born a boy I would have EngineerBrother's name; he is named after my Dad and Poppy. My parents did not have a girl name picked out when they were pregnant with me. My Mom stayed up late one night towards the end of the pregnancy watching a movie. The main character in the movie was a prostitute. Her name was Averill. My Mom knew instantly that was her future daughter's name. She does not remember the name of the movie or the actor who played Averill. I guess I should IMDB that. 

10. I'm allergic to latex which is directly related to my avocado and banana allergy. Apparently they are sister trees; bitchy sister trees that got together and decided to gang up on me. 

11. I have an irrational fear of dead bodies.  

The first time I went to college, I decided that if EngineerBrother could earn his lifetime scuba certification I could do it too. I, of course, had the advantage of being a lifeguard and formerly swimming on a swim team. I was going to pass with flying colors. 

In the certification class we got to the point of removing the mask, losing it in the pool, and searching underwater with our eyes closed. Before I went under to feel for my mask the instructor gave us a scenario. He told us to imagine being at the bottom of Beech Fork with grass and sticks, brushing your fingers through the mud, fish brushing against you and swimming past. 

The last time I entered the water at Beech Fork was in 8th grade. My Dad told me to open my eyes underwater and come up and tell him what I saw. The water was murky. I could see his legs and other people's body parts, all a  yellowish dead tone from the dirty water. There were lots of lake-rats, ie creatures that live in the lake like fish; one even nibbled my toe. There was trash under the water, an old tire and tin beer cans. I swam back up to the surface. I walked out of Beech Fork Beach, dried off, and never got back in the water. The next day on the news they announced that a dead human body was found at Beech Fork Beach. I was justified in never going back there.

Back in the pool, the instructor gives the Beech Fork scenario.  I go under in the pool to qualify for the scuba certification. I imagine Beech Fork. I imagine the dead body is in the pool with me. I am under the water freaking out about an imaginary body. I hyperventilate. I swim up to the top, get out of the pool, take off my gear, and leave. I never certified for scuba diving. 

Last June, J2 took me snorkeling in Mexico. Internally I was freaking out, not sure that I could go through with it without hyperventilating. But I did it and got to see all sorts of sea-rats and sea-flowers on the bottom of the ocean floor. It helps that the water is clear, I would have been able to see a dead body well in advance of it swimming up on me. 

12. I'm terrified of alligators and crocodiles. I saw a movie as a child where a husband dumps his wife in a swamp and she gets half eaten by a giant crocodile. From that point on I get nightmares and night terrors. I'll have one tonight because I wrote about this. 

13. I love The Wizard of Oz and the Sound of Music. When I was a papergirl I used to sing those sound tracks along with any other pop song, that happened to be stuck in my head, as loudly as humanly possible. Monday through Friday papers were delivered in the evening, right after school. It was a joke among my customers that if they wondered where there paper was all they had to do was to step on their front porch to hear that their paper was in route.