Eric Hughes Band Indigogo

When my youngest brother, Blaise, was stationed overseas, in the Middle East and Africa, he was missing and craving a little bit of home. Blaise asked me to send him some Memphis Music. Specifically, he asked me to send him all of The Eric Hughes Band CDs that I could get my hands on. 

When Mr. Eric heard of this he donated all of his previous CDs to my brother, who is also his brother in arms (USMC). Every time I think about this I get choked up; I am forever grateful to Mr. Eric. 

As a token of appreciation, for the love of #MemphisBlues, and to support for Mr Eric et al I am donating to The Eric Hughes Band Indiegogo campaign. If you feel so inclined, here is the link: 

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/new-album-la-bluesicana#/

#MemphisMusic #BluesMusic #EricHughesBand #MemphisFamous

Oh My God, Averill! Your Legs!!

This morning, with her back turned toward me  a coworker was talking to her supervisor. Just as I stood-up to walk away from my cubicle she turns to face me and exclaims, "Oh My GOD, AVERILL! YOUR LEGS!!"

Now, I know this coworker. She is always making slick, unnecessary comments about my work clothes and my lunch-break exercise clothes. She usually turns me in to her supervisor for my clothing. Her supervisor goes and tells it to my supervisor. Then, I get told my skirts are too short. I am not Bridget Jones; I did not forget my skirt. 

So, when this coworker makes her comment, I know she is about to tell on me because she thinks my mini-dress is too short. 

However, this morning I was on the ball. I knew it was coming. I immediately responded to her, "Oh my gosh!" A smile naturally spreads across my entire face, "Thank you so much for noticing all of the hard work I've been putting into my exercise." 

I walk away. 

#MicDrop #HighFiveBitches #ThoseLegsThough #ConfidentlyAwesome #ExerciseMotivation #ICan

Crazy Like That

Y'all, my parents!!! These two are crazy!!! 

With a couple of stops, I got home from work and class at 9:30pm. 

I packmule my body with all of the stuff from my car, struggling to get it all strapped to myself in one trip. I let myself into the garage. 

There, parked in the dark garage, inside the car, the doors and windows closed, with the glow from the car radio illuminating them, are my parents. 

#TheSilverFox says, "We were neckin'. Glad he got his pants back on before you walked in the door."

"Uh-huh," #RealLifeSuperman chuckles, "Not likely. We were finishing our book on tape."

These two have a stereo! These two have an entire house to sit together to finish their #BookOnTape!! But, they choose to sit in the car together like a couple of teenagers in love! 

A few months ago, he accompanied her to a doctor's appointment. The doctor asks them, "How long have you been together?"

My Dad is the first to respond, "Thirty-nine years of marriage, plus four years of dating - not nearly enough time yet." 

#NotNearlyEnoughTime #CrazyLikeThat

I Rescind It, Again

I just walked through the door at home. That woman I call my mother #TheSilverFox greets me from her Lazy Boy, "Hey. What are you doing?"

"I just came home from the music video shoot."
"Oh, yeah," she says like she forgot.
"Wanna see what I wore?"
"Yeah."
I walk into the living room.
"You ONLY wore that top?"
"You said it was a dress! You said it was a cute dress!"
"It's a top! A top!"
"Mom, it's a dress! I wore more clothes than the rest of the girls in the video."

Compared to the other video chicks, I'm dressed for church! At the very least, my dress is appropriate for engagement photos in a field. When the Dulaa, the rap artist said to me, "asking everyone to wear western style attire" my mind went Faith Hill "Breathe" not Daisy Duke. I'll know better for next time. 

She huffs, "What else did you do today?"
"I had my first class tonight."
"You DIDN'T wear THAT to class did you?"
"No, don't worry. I wore something much sluttier."

#CountryGirlStyle #ModestlyAwesome #ConfidentlyAwesome

I Take It Back

I take it all back what I said. #TheSilverFox picked out the perfect dress for my very first #CountryMusicRapVideo with Dulaa & Nancy Apple 

#ConfidentlyAwesome #RapVideoDanceChick #MemphisMusic

Do Not Trust The Silver Fox

Three reasons why I do not trust #TheSilverFox:

1. There was no full-length mirror when I tried on this dress and she put on the sales tactics. 

2. I asked her if it was see-through. She said, "No! Just wear some type of slip. It's so cute!! You have to get it!!! You'll regret it if you don't!!" 

This dress is 153% opac! You can see my insides!!! I'm wearing some sort of Bridget Jones underclothing contraption and it's hot!! 

3. "Mom, what about the length? Is is too short?"

"No! Put your arms down. It's perfect. The skirt is longer than your arms."

Mom did not take into consideration that I have T-Rex length arms. If I dance in this dress....well, I'll just quote Jeff on this one, "You gotta shave to wear that dress, and I'm not saying you'll have to shave your legs."

#DontTrustTheSilverFox #GoodThingIm78PercentLegs

Walk A Mile In My Shoes

I'm really bad about holding on to memories through objects. Like these pairs of shoes from the back of my closet. The white ones were the pair I wore to graduate high school. Yeah, they were incredibly stylish then. Like, Wow! For real!  The black, Sam & Libby Mary Janes were my absolute favorite pair of shoes from Junior through Senior year of high school. Have I worn them since? Yeah, but probably only as part of Halloween costumes. Why do I have them now? They both look awful, dated, old, used. It's just silly to keep them. 

The memories that go along with these shoes are vibrant, fun, exciting. I remember them new. Those memories represent unending possibility, a life to live, and experience to gather. Those shoes were the first time in my life that I feel like me. In high school I was fat, yeah then too. I couldn't wear the fashions in style: knee socks wouldn't fit over my muscular calves - but that didn't stop me from trying, Guess, Express, and Mud jeans didn't come in sizes that fit over my hips and around my stomach. I mostly wore men's clothing, and tight turtle necks to accentuate the chest, because I thought that's all that fit. That was me. But, shoes always fit. When I strutted the hallways in these platforms I felt in command, even stylish. That's saying a lot for the chick that wore stonewashed, green, cut-off, jean shorts. 

I still have those memories; I definitely have the experiences. The shoes have seen miles, but it's time for me to let go of these sentimental relics of my past. 

#WalkAMileInMyShoes #DiaryOfAFatGirlThatNeverGrewUp #ConfidentlyAwesome #ThoseShoesAreOldEnoughToBeRetro

An Opportunity With Felix Cordova

20160416

At Slider Inn tonight I met Felix Cordova of 98.5 New Mix FM. He said he likes my personality and asked me to appear on stage for Radio-Memphis.com with him at the Southern Hot Wing Festival on the afternoon of Saturday, April 23, 2016. On stage we will give away a pair of tickets to the Beale Street Music Festival.

He wants to build a relationship between his FM station and Radio-Memphis' internet radio station. 

I'll definitely take this opportunity to suppress my fear of public speaking to an audience. 

A Speaker of Truth

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I've continued to keep quiet, but this evening I needed to get some perspective so I had a conversation with #RealLifeSuperman. I am pretty bothered by someone who has refused to even utter one word to me yet continues to invent and spread lies about me. My Dad is calm, level headed, he always finds the best in everyone, he's given the shirt off of his back to help those in need. My Dad said, "Do not worry because she is as unattractive as the stories people tell about her," he pauses for a moment and then under his breath he utters, "rode hard." 

My Dad is a prophet and a truth speaker. 

Hoka-Pocus

I bought a highly recommended pair of tennis shoes called Hoka's for myself last Thursday. I received them in the mail yesterday. Brand new, fresh out of the box this morning, before I even had a chance to try them on I ask The Silver Fox to take a look to see if she likes them so I can order her a pair for Mother's Day. She says, "Oh those are so pretty!" They are purplish, which is one of her favorite colors. 

She scurries to put on socks. "Where did you go with my shoes?" she hollars through the early morning, quiet house. 

Real Life Superman is sitting at the kitchen table eating his Raisin Bran and observing. She finds me, takes the shoes, slides the Hoka's on her feet, ties the laces, stands up, looks at me, and says "What are you waiting around for? You aren't getting these back!"

She leaves me standing there barefooted waiting to put on my shoes. I look at him. He gives me the knowing shrug that tells me, "They are hers now."

Hoka-Pocus, they're gone! 

Happy Mother's Day!

#TheSilverFox #Hoka #RealLifeSuperman #HokaPocustheyregone

BOUNCE!

I'm sitting silently in my car, in the driveway, illuminated only by the glow of my cellphone while I delete emails. 

BOUNCE! 

My car bounces and lurches foward!

My keys are in my lap!

If a mountain lion is sitting on my roof, I'll lose my bowels right here in the driver's seat! I swear he's going to open my roof like a tin of sardines to get this Kroger rotisserie chicken that I'm about to carry in the house. 

Whew! 

It's only Rick Ross, the Cat Nip Drug Cartel Lord kitty from next door. 

Remember last year when The Silver Fox and Real Life Superman planted cat nip in the backyard? And there was the neighbor's cat that would stand near it and guard it? That's Rick Ross, only now he's huge and his drug field has multiplied. 

I still hope he doesn't take my rotisserie chicken. 

I'll make a run for it anyway.

Day Job Frustrations

Last week at work was perfect. 

This week is very different.

A coworker I back-up, as in I do her work when she is out of the office, took off the entire week to meet her eHarmony boyfriend for the first time....without notifying me that she'd be on vacation. Our supervisor told me yesterday that coworker said she had notified me and we reviewed. None of which happened, not even an email. I said so. 

Over a month ago she was also told to update her procedures to include step-by-step instructions that will help others that back her up. Those procedures have not been updated.  

As for the eHarmony boyfriend, he was a no-show. She got catphished. 

After telling our supervisor yesterday that she'd be back at work today the coworker texted our supervisor this morning to let her know that she is still taking off the entire week. 

#thisiswhywecanthavenicethings #DayJob

A/B Honor Roll

The little boy I tutor earned A/B Honor Roll again last six weeks. He kept it a secret from me. He didn't tell me, didn't even let on.

Can you guess why he didn't tell me?

Because his Dad tells him, "For every A/B Honor Roll you earn you owe Miss Averill a feet massage to thank her for helping you to study." That little boy is terrified he's actually going to have to rub my feet. 

#ABHonorRoll #IRockatFourthGrade #nowgetinmyarchrealgoodwithyourlittlefingers #feetmassage

Vacation's Over

At 9:45 pm we had just passed the New Albany, MS exit on Hwy 78. The Tahoe in the slow lane is driving with their hazards on. All of a sudden underneath the Tahoe lights up red with fire like a rocket ship blasting off and the driver's side of their car is airborne. 

Valentine said I calmly warned him, "Look out for that."

With an absolute steady hand and mind Valentine maneuvers around the vehicle that is flying through the air and across the interstate at interstate speeds on three wheels and a disk that is glowing hot lava red and shooting flames. Their truck sporadically wobbles, zooming from each lane as their driver's side tire and rim projectiles across the air directly at us. The Tahoe's tire hits us like a 21st century cannon ball, melting the plastic of the front fender and ripping off the passenger's fender flare. In less time than it takes to blink the tire rolls up the hood, impacting and scraping the hood in front of me. The tire and debris grazes the passenger side view mirror to a chorus of eff-bombs.

The child in the backseat is jolted awake, "What?!"

"Are you okay?" 

"Yes, what happened?"

Valentine pulls onto the emergency shoulder. Dazed, she hops out of the Jeep into the grass on the side of the interstate. That is one helluva way to be woken up. 

Valentine checks on the couple, who don't get out of their car. I call the Mississippi State Troopers. 

The driver couldn't get out of the car. The entire side panel had buckled. 

I walk back to check on the people. The Tahoe couple, who are also from Memphis, apologize profusely. The state troops arrive and call the police. 

We call the older kids, who went home hours before we did, and my parents. The police arrive, take names and write reports. They send us away to Wal-mart for zip-ties and bungee cords to tie the hood down. 

As I'm walking into Wal-mart, mainly to check for skid-marks in my panties because this literally scared the crap outta me, I can't help but to be so grateful that Valentine was incredibly quick and calm. If he had not of been on top of the situation that modern cannon ball would have hit the windshield and without a doubt killed us. 

A Doctor's Visit

Dad went in at 6:45 this morning for a colonoscopy. 

I texted #TheSilverFox hours later to check on him. 

She responded, "Your Dad is the perfect asshole."

Flame is in the Dog Food Again

My youngest brother's name is Blaise (pronounced Blaze). When he was a baby the kids of our family friends couldn't remember his name. They called him Flame. We were at a get-together and I hear, "Flame is in the dog food, again!" 

There he was, 6 months to a year old, sitting on the floor next to the dog food with a mouthful and two fists of kibble. 

The Silver Fox laughed, "We don't have to feed him now!" She always explained her seemingly lackadaisical parenting of him as having made her mistakes on Trey and me.

Flame digested the dogfood. 

He's still adventurous. 

The Best Compliments 2016: Different Perspectives

The I had a decent lunch walk today. Every time I jogged I saw someone I know. Each person was a strategically placed cheering section at the exact moment I needed it. That was pretty cool. #thankyouGod

As I was finishing out my walk a member of the DayJob Maintenance Groundskeeping Staff waved me down. He stopped and climbed down from his standing mower, yelling over the sound of the engine, "I see you all of the time! If I did half as much as what you do I'd be doing well!"  

Wow! Just wow! A person I don't recognize taking the time to give me, a complete stranger, a compliment. 

As I smiled at him he frowns. I yell to him, "Don't get down on yourself. You do that everyday. That's something I'm amazed at and can't do. I'm severely allergic to all of it," I wave my hand to include the grass and trees. His shoulders pick up, he shakes his head yes, he smiles, and hops back on his mower.

#everyonesperspectiveisdifferent #happy2016 #thebestcompliments 

A Perfumania Frenzy

My coworker, in the cubicle diagonal from mine, received a new perfume for Christmas. On Monday and Tuesday of this week she's been ever so kind to wait until she gets to work in the morning to drowned in a whore's bath, like a mosquito fogger truck, a perfumania of spritzes and sprays, a frenzy of perfume in her cubicle. 

The first day I thought I was choking to death. I couldn't catch my breath or clear my throat. The second day I was choking and my eyes swelled, itched, and burned. I don't believe she sprayed it today, yesterday, I asked my supervisor how to address the issue. She said she'd take care of it. Just like I warned, today I have a sinus infection and an excruciating headache. The headache is so disabling that I was nauseous and  I couldn't see out of my left eye this morning. 

Don't get me wrong, her perfume is absolutely lovely, once it's calmed down. But it lingers in the air for hours and loud perfume is against dress code policy. 

Spraying perfume happens to be a huge trigger for my severe allergies. I'm not asking that she not wear her perfume, just that she not spray it in the office. 

#ineedtoliveinabubble #dayjob #officework #cubiclelife 

Goal Digger 2016: She's Going The Distance

What do these items have in common? Here's a hint: #goaldigger2016 #ARCgoaldigger2016 #healthfitness #exercisemotivation

I was verbally motivating myself to only go 1/2 a mile when I see a deer in the middle of the street. A car passes by me, shining his headlights on the deer. Nope, not a deer. It's a rogue German Shepard and it starts charging at me. The car drives off. 

"It's not my dog, don't leave me!" 

I tear off my glove and pull the pink cartridge of pepper spray from underneath my reflective vest and out of the jacket pocket. This wild ass animal is still coming after me. I stutter to hold my ground. It is running after me! It's beast toenails scrape the asphalt as it charges towards me, growling. 

The pepper spray is ready and aimed toward the animal when I lose it. I panic. I've seen the police training videos where German Shepards tear apart men dressed in protective sumo wrestler gear. I have an imaginary flash of my gizzard ripped out as I lay dead on the side of the road in a CSI Atoka crime scene. 

Instead of being the next murder victim, I raise my arms in the air. I scream like a Banshee. The German Shepard retreats as I run the opposite direction. 

I haven't run this far since 2007, when I ran exclusively on a treadmill, then herniated a disc in my spine, pinched my sciatic nerve, and lost all feeling from my hip to my toes in my left leg. I couldn't feel cold. I didn't know if I was bleeding. I couldn't balance on it. I couldn't wear closed shoes because I couldn't tell if they were too tight. There was nothing there. I had to go to months of physical therapy to get the feeling back and relearn to walk without dragging my leg like Quasimodo. 

Tonight, to get away from the dog, because I wanted to do it for that 2007 me, and for me today I kept pushing to go further. Thanks to the spike in adrenaline, however looking like a turtle swimming through peanut butter, I jogged just over 1.1 miles!  

Yep, I am pretty damn motivated and knocking goals out #onemileatatime!