Sometimes We Laugh Harder

​August 22, 2019

The only sperm bank joke I’ve ever heard was in high school. It went something like this:

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” asks the man.

“I’m going to the third floor to give blood.”

“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”

“About $20.”

“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to the fourth floor to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.”

The woman gets off the elevator.

The next day, the same man and woman meet in the elevator.

“Fancy meeting you again.” He asks, “third floor today?”

With her mouth full and her eyes wide, she violently shakes her head no and waves four fingers in the air.

Two days after the fertility appointment with Dr. Kutteh, I get a call from the fertility Dr.’s office in New Albany, MS. The nurse, Jessica, calls with the precise details of how to submit a sperm sample.

Either of us has to stop by the Dr.’s office to pick up a sample cup. Then, my husband must not ejaculate for five days. After the mandatory wait time, he may make the sample any way he deems necessary: on his own or with my help. When the time comes he will ejaculate the sample directly in the cup. We will have only 30 minutes from the moment of sample production and collection to get it to the hospital. And, it must be kept at body temperature. After 30 minutes the specimen is useless.

At this point nurse Jessica becomes very serious, “I hate that I have to tell you this and it is the worst part of my job. But, I have to tell women this because they try it all the time. They try to bring their husband’s samples in their mouth. You cannot submit a sperm specimen from your mouth.”

I am laughing so hard that I can’t breathe. Even in joking with Mom, I had no intention of making an oral sperm submission.

I let Jessica in on the joke with my Mom. She is laughing with relief. She tells me it’s difficult to give that necessary spiel. I can tell she has relaxed.

Then, I just have to ask, “For purely scientific knowledge, why can’t a sperm sample be made by mouth delivery?”

Jessica answers, “Well, by the time a woman makes it to us or the hospital, the sample becomes more saliva than sperm. That renders it useless because the count can’t be made.”

There you have it folks, that joke I heard in high school is a complete fabrication.