Monday, February 14, 2005

A Date on Valentine's Day

Good News:  I have a date for today.

Bad News:  It is a Court Date...."You see what ha-happened was"

Apparently, it seems that when you run a stop sign you must remember not to cut off a police officer while doing so.  Speaking from experience, they tend to frown on that.

For goodness sakes, it was 6:10am! Shouldn't he have been busy at the Quickie Mart getting a donut?

So I am officially the worst driver I know.  I’m not really that bad, aside from running over two mailboxes, various speeding tickets, and one failure to maintain control.  In my defense, that jerk dead stopped in front of me to make an illegal left hand turn across Union Avenue into the Schuncks. For those non-Memphis readers, Union Avenue is 6 lanes.  Three of those are on-coming traffic.  This guy was trying to cross, with a broken turn signal.  The ordeal was completed, the police leaving and then the driver needs an ambulance with a "Oh my neck and back” injury.

I have truly calmed my driving down.  I feel sorry for any of you that rode with me between the years of 1998 through 2001.  Those were the years of taking turns on two wheels.

 Anyway, as I got ready for my date, yes I am taking it to be that important.  I showered; figuring out Victoria's Secret is not to get the shampoo in my damned eyes, shaved, tweezed and manicured my nails too.  I slathered on my war face and opted for the salmon pink sweater set, the pearl necklace complete with matching earrings, and lucky panties.  Don't deny it girls; you all have a pair that never fails.  I thought preppy would be better than good girl turned bad with the mini skirt.
I parted my straightened hair on the right side and pulled it into a loose braid, slipped on my heels and headed to the Town of Atoka City Court.  I sat there, nervous as I could be until my name, "A.V.E.U.L, Ariel Conway," was called.

I plead, "Guilty," and was charged $70.00. That is five dollars less than the underage, open-container, driver kid who went before me got charged!  Five stinkin' dollars for alcohol in a car!!  I’m not complaining, it could have been worse, it could have occurred in Shelby County.

So let me tell you one more story, with this one I am crowning myself "Queen of the Dorks."  That is until one of you can dethrone me, and I'm sure you have the power to do so.

The day I ran the stop sign I quickly left the house after brushing my teeth and subsequently not looking in the mirror.  No wonder the police officer let me go so quickly.  I drove all the way to work in Olive Branch.  Olive Branch is an hour away from my home.  I was thinking I was just the cutest thing on earth.

Can you believe I didn't even check myself out in the rearview?  Well I didn't.  All sorts of men were checking me out, or so I thought.

"Damn, I must be really hot today," I thought to myself.

I walked into the office 20 minutes late and explained to my office manager why I was late.  Still everyone was looking at me.

I sat down to begin dispatching the plumbers.  Mr. Mushroom, in all of his glory, sat down to flirt with me.  The thought of mushroom's have recently made me gag in disgust.

This gentleman, and I use the term loosely, has recently declared that he has the hots for me.  He has also deemed it necessary to share with me that he has named his appendage “the mushroom,” because that is what he is shaped like. Gag!

Anyway, he looks at me and loudly announces to the entire office, through his thick Mississippian draw, "What is that white shit on your face?"

"Oh...yes," my left hand flew up to touch the corner of my mouth.  I tilted my head and said, "It's toothpaste, I'm keeping it there for's the in-thing to do."

Instantly I was relieved, anything I can do to make myself look less cool in front of him works for me.  However, I do have a problem, was it too far above the call of duty for the police office to notify me of my toothpaste mishap?