Monday, July 30, 2012

Karmic Retaliation

My Mom always says that when I have children I'll earn karmic retaliation three-fold for the antics I pulled in my rebellious years.  I don't have my own children, but in an attempt of the universe at seeking revenge at me for my former antics I have earned three paybacks. Oh, my Little Rottens!

This evening, as she is rolling Lime leaves to cut and cook for supper, Pandora's cell phone is blowing up with text messages. In between text conversations she is teaching me to make the Thai dish Chicken Panang. Gaw, it's so delicious!

As the conversation and cooking lesson is progressing Phaedra sneaks away from her duty as rice chef to return to her new-to-her laptop that is patiently waiting in the Living Room.

Pandora's friend, Gavin, is annoyingly bugging her with his text messages. Those are her words, but I think she secretly loves the attention. Gavin wants Pan to come out to a party he is attending. After repeatedly asking Gavin who the party goers are he finally answers. She yells in frustration, "Ahhh! It's a Sausage Party! I don't want to go to a Sausage Party!!!"

I promptly reply, "That is EXACTLY why they want you there!"

As Pan is growing increasingly frustrated with Gavin and the prospects of attending a 'Sausage Party' Phaedra is questioning the term.

She is quiet at first, "Sausage Party? What is a 'Sausage Party'?"

Slowly she gets louder, "Averill, what is a 'Sausage Party'? Hey! What is a 'Sausage Party'?"

At this point I am hoping J-squared will hear the questions, come out of his bedroom, as the door is wide open, and answer this daunting question. I do not see his shadow looming on the carpet in the hallway. His ear buds are firmly planted in his ears, an audio book drowning out our noises as he works from home.  I send up a silent hope, maybe she'll look it up on-line. Instead the hall bathroom door swings open.

I walk out of the kitchen to look at Phaedra, who is sitting at the drafting table on her laptop.

"Phaedra, a 'Sausage Party' is a get together that only has men attending. In this term the word sausage is slang for a penis. Only men are at the party."

Phae is silent.

 "Awhh man!! Even I know what a 'Sausage Party' is. That's inappropriate to talk about, especially to tell Phae. It's inappropriate!"

I correct him, "No Mav. If Phaedra has enough nerve to ask me a question, the least I can do is answer her honestly."

His rebuttal, "It's still inappropriate!"

With this simple comment Maverick places himself squarely in the epicenter of the conversation.  He is the target for being on blast.

Pandora pushes past me, "NO! NO, Maverick! You know what's inappropriate is you locking yourself in your bedroom with your laptop, looking at porn, and masturbating. That's inappropriate!"

Mav silently sulks back to his bedroom.

Oh, brown-word! I don't know what I did, but I'm absolutely sure that for some past indiscretion I deserve this karmic retaliation.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


The temperature on my car's digital thermometer displays 105 degrees Fahrenheit before I turn the ignition off. I grab most of the frozen groceries and run through the house like a tornado to put them in the outside freezer.  I'm barking orders to which ever child might be gaming in the living room, "There are groceries also in the front seat of the car too!" I can only imagine the havoc the heat is playing on the food while it is sitting in the hatchback during the 20 minute drive from the grocery store.  My paranoia is in overdrive, I've convinced myself the helado popsicles are melting through their individual plastic wrappers.

After the freezer is stocked I calmly unload the rest of the groceries into the pantry. "MAVERICK!" I holler down the hallway for him to come out of his bedroom.

Without a sound he appears in the hallway directly behind me, "Geck!" I jump out of my skin. It freaks me out when he does that! I take a deep breath, "It freaks me out when you do that!"

He flashes his typical cheshire grin.

"Hey Maverick, I called you and Phaedra in here to tell you something." I didn't technically have to call Phaedra into the kitchen. When I'm at the house she's less than a step behind me. She's become my favorite little shadow. "Don't eat the generic-Doritos. They're for a Taco Casserole dinner. Okay?"

After a litany of excuses and blaming the other, absent inhabitants of the house for eating the last bag of Goritos, they both agree.

"I've bought each of you your own special lunches and treats." I look to her, "Phaedra, it looks like Mac got more than you, but it's even. Your food was more expensive."

Mac smirks to himself. His larger pile, consisting of Spaghetti-O's with Meatballs and Vienna Sausages, pleases him. They both say, "Thank you," in unison.

As Phaedra opens the refrigerator to examine her vegetarian friendly Lunchable, Maverick moves into the kitchen and stands in front of the laundry closet. His behavior is odd. Normally he dismisses himself from my presence as soon as he can make a break. But today his chest is all puffed up. He turns to face me and proudly announces, "I mowed the grass all by myself."

I can tell he is the one that mowed the lawn, with the missed spots and all. But, instead of drawing attention to the flaws I decide to cut him some slack. After all, this is only the second time he's ever cut the grass. He doesn't know yet to cut it in two different directions, like the diamond pattern of the outfield in a baseball field.

I smile at him and say, "I saw it was cut. You did a good job."

My compliment is genuine. I smile at him.

He smiles so big, enough to show at least six teeth on the top row!! I feel like we are playing a video game. By giving him that one compliment I earn a level up.

The three of us finish up our short conversation. I head for the door. I declare, "I wasn't here."

Phaedra responds, "I'm not promising anything."

I smile, "Love you, bye!"

As I was walk out of the front door I receive a bonus. Maverick yells after me, "Please drive safely. See you on Friday!"

My inner scoreboard chimes again, I'm credited an extra life, 1-up  I'll take that!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Pumping up the Volume

I didn't think this day could get any better, but it did!

After three and a half hours of sleep the day began with the anticipation of sleeping in and being off of work tomorrow.   Perfect Student Worker (tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, ding, ding, ding - make a noise for her like the tinkling of bells when a Disney Princess arrives on screen - she's that awesome!) sneaked in and gave me an amazing birthday present in a pink polka dot gift bag!! Then, a bevy of birthday cards were secretly delivered to my Desk#2. I completely forgot that I'll be having a work birthday party until Nosey Supervisor reminded me, so I got all excited like a five year old going to Disney World.

AND THEN, the best thing ever!!! Nosey Supervisor asked me if I have seen Magic Mike yet.

Me, "No."

"Well let me tell you about it." She starts thrusting her hips back and forth and gyrating her upper body in a sexual manner. "I took my daughter, and it was great! They showed some rear ends from here on," she motioned with her hands. "And nothing around here," she waves her hands in a circular motion around her treasure area, "except in one scene they showed some guy pumping."

I made my eyes really big, like a Precious Moments doll.

"Do you know what that is?"

I innocently answered, "No," knowing full well what it is, thank you to the nudie magazine Becca brought to at an eighth grade slumber party.  I wondered how far Nosey Supervisor would go with this topic.

"Well me either, I had to ask SunDrop about it. And she told me that it's something men use to make their penis bigger."

FANTASTIC!!!! This day is perfect!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Wrap-up: Family Date Night

I really had no idea how HUGE of an impact Family Date Night would be on J-squared's kiddos. Yesterday, even after putting in a 12 hour day of 'Muffy-Style Hardcore Cleaning,' at the end of the evening, the three Little Rottens are still talking about how much fun they had on Friday night.

Before I sent her off to shower and go to bed the J-squared's youngest, Phaedra, and I were reviewing the list posted on the refrigerator and crossing off our accomplishments. Except for the hall bathroom everything else on the list and so much more was accomplished.

I stretched my arms above my head and said, "I think all of my elbow grease has been used up for the day."

She rolled her shoulders and moved both of her elbows back and forth and shook her head in agreement,  "I've got just enough left to eat some of the ice cream that's in the freezer."

She's good!

When my Dad was growing up, dessert would be a carton of ice cream and a bag of pretzels. He's carried that tradition on with our immediate family. After a hard day of family working togetherness we finish the day relaxing, laughing, and bonding over ice cream. So, when my Little Rotten asks for ice cream after the 'Muffy-Style Hardcore Cleaning,' it tickles me. She couldn't be more a part of my family if she were trying!