Thursday, June 14, 2012
I call my boyfriend's children "My Little Rottens." It's not because they are bad, it's just an expression. I liken them to the three little girls in Despicable Me, except they all aren't girls. One is a magical sea monkey child. I love those Little Rottens!
I guess it is coincidental and convenient that when I was growing up my Mom would always wish upon me a child that was three times as rotten as I am, errr rewind, was. Yes, was. I was rotten. As in, I'm not rotten any more. Nope, no rotten here.
Sometimes my brothers and I used to call each other some very special four-letter words. I remember them fondly as terms of endearment; it was all in love. Sometimes we'd utter four-letter words just for the heck of it. On some very rare and embarrassing occasions Mom would catch us venting a bad word. Part of our punishment was to define it as we knew it, the slang terminology of the word. It really was the worst punishment; she should be proud of herself for that. Imagine if someone were to perhaps get caught saying a word that can be abbreviated "Mo Fo," try explaining that to your Mom. After the definition we would be lectured and forced to eat soap, liquid Dial soap. I hate Dial!
I stopped at the boyfriend's house after work this evening to pick up my stuff from the weekend. One of his children, Phaedra, was looking at her Pinterest account. The child showed me a pictorial that she had repinned. It was a silly slam against Kristen Stewart of Twilight fame. However, the quip used the words "bestiality" and "necrophilia." I read the cartoon and although it was funny I managed not to crack a smile. His daughter was looking for approval. I pursed my lips, took a deep breath, and slightly shook my head up and down. I was wrestling with my next question. I pointed to the words and asked, "Do you know what those two words mean?"
The repinned pictorial that led to the definitions. In the Twilight Saga Kristen Stewart's character is in love with a werewolf, thus the bestiality. She is also in love with a vampire, where necrophilia comes in because a vampire is dead (undead?).
She answered innocently, "No."
I told her that those words are somewhat bad words and if she is going to post them on her Pinterest account than she should know what they mean. She said, "Okay."
I explained the words as simply as I could. And fast, very, very, very quickly, "Bestiality means people that like to have sex with animals. And, necrophilia means people that like to have sex with dead people."
The poor girl had a look of horror on her face. I felt whoozie. It got hot. My hands were sweating. I thought I was going to get punished. I imagined the pain of my Dad's fingers clenching my jaw open, the faint scent of liquid Dial soap, and the cool, fluid, orange goop being squeezed into my mouth.
I guess my Mom's curse came somewhat true, except I didn't get a child three times as rotten as I once was. No, what I got was much worse. I get to continue defining inappropriate words in uncomfortable situations. I've got that covered, no problem. But, if my Mom hears my language will you perhaps tell her I already took a bite out of a bar of soap, just for good measure?