Thursday, April 28, 2016

Hoka-Pocus

I bought a highly recommended pair of tennis shoes called Hoka's for myself last Thursday. I received them in the mail yesterday. Brand new, fresh out of the box this morning, before I even had a chance to try them on I ask The Silver Fox to take a look to see if she likes them so I can order her a pair for Mother's Day. She says, "Oh those are so pretty!" They are purplish, which is one of her favorite colors. 

She scurries to put on socks. "Where did you go with my shoes?" she hollars through the early morning, quiet house. 

Real Life Superman is sitting at the kitchen table eating his Raisin Bran and observing. She finds me, takes the shoes, slides the Hoka's on her feet, ties the laces, stands up, looks at me, and says "What are you waiting around for? You aren't getting these back!"

She leaves me standing there barefooted waiting to put on my shoes. I look at him. He gives me the knowing shrug that tells me, "They are hers now."

Hoka-Pocus, they're gone! 

Happy Mother's Day!

#TheSilverFox #Hoka #RealLifeSuperman #HokaPocustheyregone

Sunday, April 24, 2016

BOUNCE!

I'm sitting silently in my car, in the driveway, illuminated only by the glow of my cellphone while I delete emails. 

BOUNCE! 

My car bounces and lurches foward!

My keys are in my lap!

If a mountain lion is sitting on my roof, I'll lose my bowels right here in the driver's seat! I swear he's going to open my roof like a tin of sardines to get this Kroger rotisserie chicken that I'm about to carry in the house. 

Whew! 

It's only Rick Ross, the Cat Nip Drug Cartel Lord kitty from next door. 

Remember last year when The Silver Fox and Real Life Superman planted cat nip in the backyard? And there was the neighbor's cat that would stand near it and guard it? That's Rick Ross, only now he's huge and his drug field has multiplied. 

I still hope he doesn't take my rotisserie chicken. 

I'll make a run for it anyway.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day Job Frustrations

Last week at work was perfect. 

This week is very different.

A coworker I back-up, as in I do her work when she is out of the office, took off the entire week to meet her eHarmony boyfriend for the first time....without notifying me that she'd be on vacation. Our supervisor told me yesterday that coworker said she had notified me and we reviewed. None of which happened, not even an email. I said so. 

Over a month ago she was also told to update her procedures to include step-by-step instructions that will help others that back her up. Those procedures have not been updated.  

As for the eHarmony boyfriend, he was a no-show. She got catphished. 

After telling our supervisor yesterday that she'd be back at work today the coworker texted our supervisor this morning to let her know that she is still taking off the entire week. 

#thisiswhywecanthavenicethings #DayJob

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

A/B Honor Roll

The little boy I tutor earned A/B Honor Roll again last six weeks. He kept it a secret from me. He didn't tell me, didn't even let on.

Can you guess why he didn't tell me?

Because his Dad tells him, "For every A/B Honor Roll you earn you owe Miss Averill a feet massage to thank her for helping you to study." That little boy is terrified he's actually going to have to rub my feet. 

#ABHonorRoll #IRockatFourthGrade #nowgetinmyarchrealgoodwithyourlittlefingers #feetmassage

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Vacation's Over

At 9:45 pm we had just passed the New Albany, MS exit on Hwy 78. The Tahoe in the slow lane is driving with their hazards on. All of a sudden underneath the Tahoe lights up red with fire like a rocket ship blasting off and the driver's side of their car is airborne. 

Valentine said I calmly warned him, "Look out for that."

With an absolute steady hand and mind Valentine maneuvers around the vehicle that is flying through the air and across the interstate at interstate speeds on three wheels and a disk that is glowing hot lava red and shooting flames. Their truck sporadically wobbles, zooming from each lane as their driver's side tire and rim projectiles across the air directly at us. The Tahoe's tire hits us like a 21st century cannon ball, melting the plastic of the front fender and ripping off the passenger's fender flare. In less time than it takes to blink the tire rolls up the hood, impacting and scraping the hood in front of me. The tire and debris grazes the passenger side view mirror to a chorus of eff-bombs.

The child in the backseat is jolted awake, "What?!"

"Are you okay?" 

"Yes, what happened?"

Valentine pulls onto the emergency shoulder. Dazed, she hops out of the Jeep into the grass on the side of the interstate. That is one helluva way to be woken up. 

Valentine checks on the couple, who don't get out of their car. I call the Mississippi State Troopers. 

The driver couldn't get out of the car. The entire side panel had buckled. 

I walk back to check on the people. The Tahoe couple, who are also from Memphis, apologize profusely. The state troops arrive and call the police. 

We call the older kids, who went home hours before we did, and my parents. The police arrive, take names and write reports. They send us away to Wal-mart for zip-ties and bungee cords to tie the hood down. 

As I'm walking into Wal-mart, mainly to check for skid-marks in my panties because this literally scared the crap outta me, I can't help but to be so grateful that Valentine was incredibly quick and calm. If he had not of been on top of the situation that modern cannon ball would have hit the windshield and without a doubt killed us. 


Wednesday, February 24, 2016

A Doctor's Visit

Dad went in at 6:45 this morning for a colonoscopy. 

I texted #TheSilverFox hours later to check on him. 

She responded, "Your Dad is the perfect asshole."

Friday, February 5, 2016

Flame is in the Dog Food Again

My youngest brother's name is Blaise (pronounced Blaze). When he was a baby the kids of our family friends couldn't remember his name. They called him Flame. We were at a get-together and I hear, "Flame is in the dog food, again!" 

There he was, 6 months to a year old, sitting on the floor next to the dog food with a mouthful and two fists of kibble. 

The Silver Fox laughed, "We don't have to feed him now!" She always explained her seemingly lackadaisical parenting of him as having made her mistakes on Trey and me.

Flame digested the dogfood. 

He's still adventurous.