Thursday, August 31, 2017

RealLifeSuperman Delivers

The cellphone rings. It's my Dad. 

#RealLifeSuperman "A-vo!"

"Hey, Daddy!"

We just got off the phone twenty minutes ago.

"Have you eaten dinner? You're Mom made pulled pork. There's a lot of it."

"Nope. Not yet," it's only 5:55pm. 

"Do you want some of this pulled pork?" #TheSilverFox yells something inaudible from the background. "How many people are at the house?"

I decided to stop at Jeff's instead of braving the flooded roads in north Shelby County.

"Daddy, it's just me right now, but Jeff will be home. Nick will be home. Melodie won't eat meat. But I don't need you coming back out. You're gonna break Mom's 'only leave the house once-a-day rule.'"

My Dad will leave in and out of the house all day to run errands. If he needs a specific car part he'll run to Auto Zone. He'll come back home. Then he'll make another trip to get tomatoes. He'll come back home. He'll leave again to run to Lowe's or Home Depot. My Mom only likes to combine trips; out for errands and then home to read or exercise. 

"We've already broken her rule," he chuckles because he knows he's gotten away with and she's given in to multiple trips, "and we've both been out of the house twice today runnin' around. Karen?" he yells in my ear. It's unusual that he uses her real name. He usually calls her 'Boog,' as in short for Booger.  Quieter, he asks, "Go or not?" 

She yells something else inaudible from across the kitchen, sounding like an adult from Peanuts cartoons.

"Who's gonna eat all of this pulled pork if y'all don't take it?"

"And there is wild rain, and crazy drivers, and flooding, and y'all don't need to be out in it..."

"I'll see you in a few minutes," he abruptly hangs up. 

Forty-nine minutes later, my parents arrive at Jeff's front door with an entire BBQ pulled pork dinner including Hawaiian Sweet Rolls. 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Wigging Out

After work I am walking around Dollar Tree on Highland at Poplar in the Kroger shopping center. I have two arms full of party products, literal arms full. I can't see the floor because I refuse to push a basket in Dollar Tree. 

As I walk down the toy aisle I feel it. The hair of an animal rubs against my left leg, crawls on my foot, and captures my bare toes like seaweed in the surf. The hair feels mangy and matted. I can't see it. I scream, "Oh MY GOD, it's on ME!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!" 

Two women in the aisle stop to watch me, one of them pauses her blue tooth phone conversation. Another woman from an aisle over abandons her buggy to come to my rescue. 

In a complete panic I step wildly to untangled my foot from a rogue, wild-ass animal, in the middle of a toy aisle, in a chain store, in an urban oasis. I hop, dance, and gyrate far enough away from the hair touching my foot to see it. 

"Did you want me to pick up your wig?" asks the second lady watching me in the toy aisle. 

I look down at it. There it is, a harmless mangled mass of a headband attached to orange plastic-hair, princess extensions.

The lady who abandoned her cart is laughing, "It got you good!" as she walks back to her basket. 

#ConfidentlyAwesome #ImNotAnAnimalPerson #SeverelyAllergicToAnimals #IDontLikeSeaweedEither #UnwarrantedBreakdown #AtLeastICanLaughAtMyIdiocy 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Say Anything

When #TheSilverFox found out I put their Groundhog's Day photo on the internet she told me, "Take my face off that damn internet!"

She laughed when I told her that I get more comments and responses for stories I tell about my parents than I do for myself. She likes the attention, she tells people to follow my blog about her. (It's just a neglected blog about my life). 

I told her if she doesn't do anything else outrageous this week I'll tell that doozie of a story from January 2nd of this year. She threatened, "Do it! I'm old enough to say what I want and don't care."

So here it goes! 

We spent the day shopping, #RealLifeSuperman chauffeuring us around Cordova. We were on a mission for her to find the perfect comforter, in the perfect colors, with the perfect pattern, with the perfect quilting design, with absolutely no idea of what the check boxes to perfection contained. This is my Mom in a nut shell, on the search for perfection, but she knows it when she sees it. Just like when she spotted my Dad for the first time. 

I was standing in line at Marshall's to make a $.70 clearance purchase when Dad walks up and says, "Don't worry about it, I'll pay. You go walk with your mother and make sure she doesn't get into trouble."

Foreshadowing is always subtle when it happens in real life. 

I give him my Valentine's garland and run after Mom, who is well on the way to Stein Mart. It is raining as we walk under the outdoor mall's portico's. Before is there is a Kroger Employee standing next to their sliding doors. She is smoking. 

The Silver Fox quips to the Kroger Employee, "I thought the law was no smoking within 50 feet of a public entrance."

The Kroger Employee responded something inaudible and half under her breath. 

My Mom turns to the Kroger Employee and yells, "FUCK YOU!!!"

We are only two days into the new year and not only is she dropping F's and U's, but it's a verbal altercation with a complete stranger. And, Dad just told me to make sure she didn't get into any trouble. Here I am failing. 

I text both of my brothers, Trey rarely if ever responds. Blaise is gung-ho for it. He completely agrees with her.

The Silver Fox is a loose cannon! At this point I don't know what she is capable of saying or doing. I stay quiet and scarce. I see Dad 15 minutes later, he's sitting in the furniture section of Home Goods while waiting on us. I tell him the story. He just shrugs his shoulders, "You know how she is."

No help.

There is a rainbow across the sky, as we get into the car, I take it as my sign to say something, "Hey Mom, do you often get into verbal altercations with strangers on the second day of the year?"

She thinks it is hysterical, "Well, she was smoking in an undesignated area. You are extremely allergic to smoke. And, I've finally reached that old lady age where I don't care what I say and I can say anything."

Happy birthday Silver Fox! Cheers to being the age to say whatever you want, plus one.  

#OneMoreYearOfPersnickityDown #ManyMoreToGo #ISignedHerBirthdayCardWithPostItsSoSheCouldReuseIt