Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Breaking Up with Social Media

I broke-up with social media.

Actually, I took a break from Facebook.

If I were being perfectly honest I would tell you the myriad of reasons why I temporarily deactivated my account.  For instance, I gave it up for Lent.  But, as you can see I logged back on before Lent is over. I was not going through the shakes of withdrawal, actually it is so nice just to give up the website. The relapse is not because I am too weak to stay off of the drama-filled website, but because I had to print off a letter from my private messages for a work related matter. Yes, the private message is that serious. 

The second reason I took a break is because I found myself increasingly addicted to the idea of reading a new status.  I could not get enough of updates concerning tragic relationships, bad moods, hatred, or the slightest hint of drama in the air.  I neglected my personal relationships to be face to face with my computer or iPhone screen.  It became an insatiable bad habit.  As soon as my alarm would sound in the morning I began my day by reaching for my phone.  I would let my eyes grow accustomed to the light of the screen before turning on the lamp on my nightstand.  I could not wait to scroll through the statuses from the night to read what happened while I was sleeping.  At night I would often fall asleep with my phone in my hand.  Multiple times my boyfriend would ask me, "Hey, can you put your phone down to spend time with me?" or I would hear, like a train in the distance, "Who are you talking to that is so important?" The most messed up thing is that the people I was trying so hard to follow are not close friends. These people are acquaintances or from high school.  High school was over 17 to 21 years ago, some of those people I do not even remember.   

I left Facebook because I was feeling emotionally weak. The more I read the drama that I was thriving on, the angrier I would become.  I focused on negativity in all aspects of my life. Anger was eating me up from the inside, I was angry to my core. I was my own worst enemy, work sucked, coworkers sucked hard, family sucked, my body and personal perception sucked, and the boyfriend especially sucked.

The boyfriend was stressed and increasingly rude. This caused strife between us. He and I were not jelling. I thought the boyfriend was acting like a dick; he was, to an extent. If he was going to be discourteous to me, I would show him inconsiderate. If I answered his calls I refused to say anything more than yes or no. Most of the time I would decline his calls and not return them either. I ignored text messages from him. I stopped coming around. I stood him up for a date. I stopped social interaction with him and disappeared for multiple weeks at a time.

Nothing I did to make myself happy again repelled the negativity in my head.  All of my creativity was depleted. I stopped writing. I had no interest in making art. I bypassed my yoga pants to put on sweatpants and a robe, my uniform of weekend leisurewear. I laid in bed crying and watching sad movies. I was depressed.

To make matters worse it was February.Valentine's Day was approaching. Happy couples in love, pictures of PDA, love, little diamond engagement rings, sappy love, and I was feigning happiness. In fact, I saw one of the many engagement photos and lost it.

"Seriously? The metal in the ring dwarfs the stone! A tiny, little, faint chip of a diamond that only offers one singular sparkle and I'm supposed to fall all over it and be impressed? Congratulations. Best wishes. I hope the bride's bangs grow out before the wedding because that hairstyle is pretty heinous."

I could not handle it.

I took myself off of Facebook.

I retreated further from society and deeper under my comforter. The Little Rottens questioned my quitting them and abandoning social media, "What is this? You stop coming over on weekends, we don't see you, no text messages or phone calls, and now your Facebook is gone too?" "Yeah! What is your explanation for your absence?" "How are you explaining yourself?" Friends immediately began what seemed to be a text messaging campaign concerning my Internet whereabouts and expressing their uncertainty of my emotional well-being. I appreciated those.  My responses were not as forthcoming as I could have been, "Yep, I'm good. Everything is fine. Yes, I agree we will have to get together soon."

I was tired of being sad and had to pull myself out of this funk. Since I was ready to be happy again it was up to me to make the decision to be so. Starting small, I got out of bed. I smiled. The next time the boyfriend called I answered the telephone. It was rocky at first but together we got the communication train rolling. Thanks to the boyfriend's cheerleading my motivation for art is vamped and my self-confidence is renewing. 

Now that I've been away from Facebook my positivity is returning and creativity is flowing. By making this me-centric decision I am able to focus on personal relationships. Assuredly I am beginning to be happy again.

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